(INDEX) FAQ's about The Corporal and Index for EMS stories

UPDATED 11/02/05 _Scroll down for recent post.

Of Course these EMS stories are true. You just can't make stuff like this up.
FAQ's about The Corporal and EMS Stories.

Are your posts about The Corporal Fact? Fiction?
The answer is yes, they are FACT. You just can not make shit like this up. These are things that really happened to me, things I have observed, and things I have seen. I can vouch for their authenticity.

How did you remember the conversations?
I have a photographic memory for random crap and things that tickle my funnybone. Working as an EMT made a huge impression on me. It was the best job I ever had. The rewards were phenomenal. I made lifelong friends, learned many valuable lessons that I could apply to my life in general, I gained confidence, and I was able to make a difference in peoples lives. I also kept an old fashioned journal back then. You know, the books with blank pages that you write in?

How many 'stories' have you blogged so far?
So far, there are 19 EMS posts. If you want to read them all, or if you missed one here they are. (Go ahead and click on the titles below. I am contemplating adding them to my sidebar as I go. The sidebar still needs pruning anyway.)


Scroll Down for links to all EMS related Posts.

What was your most memorable call? Have you mentioned it yet?
Yes, I have mentioned it. There are so many memorable calls, but 'Madame Spittle' always pops into my head first most of the time. (See 5150: The patient, the idiot at the gas station or myself?)

Are you going to post more 'stories'?
Of course. I've got 5 years worth of this stuff!

Is there anything I have left out? If there are any questions burning in your mind, throw them out there. I'll be happy to answer them.

• Reflections of Dispatching OR: When stupid people are left alone at night with phones.
• AAAAANND they're RAAAAAcing! OR: I'm working! I really am!
• EMS Standbys OR:Part II- CAN YOU SMELLLLLELLLEELLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
• 5150: The patient, the idiot at the gas station or myself?
• Things I learned as an EMT- Getting to know you
• I'm having another one of those 'I miss my career' moments.
• Can I have a translator please? Or: The risque calls of dispatching.
• Code 3 Hijinks OR: Cel Phones, Convertibles and The Empress Oblivious
• Ten things a distpatcher does NOT want to hear from her field units or fellow dispatchers. (In no particular order)\
• And THATS for waking me up at 3AM for NOTHING!
• CPR... err on the side of caution:or when kicking your patient is the right thing to do.
• It's the little things that count...and the ones I remember most.
• The Heimlich Maneuver OR: How to 'de-choke somboddy'.
• Snapshots from the Field.
• Cadillac Memories Part I : OR Beware of the Furniture!
• What not wear. Could you hang? OR: The beauty of Uniforms
• Staving off boredom in the call center with office supplies
• The Twelve Days of EMS Supervising: Sung to the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'
• Reasons why I would be terrible administering shots in ANY capacity.
• It's like trying to teach banana slugs
  

It's like trying to teach banana slugs.

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

-E.C. McKenzie

Ever try teaching a class full of grown men who would rather be somewhere else? It's like trying to teach banana slugs.

Once upon a time, I was a Criteria Based Dispatch Instructor for what was then known as Department of Public Health. I'm not up to date on the EMS structure for a certain large city, but that is what it was called back then.

At that time, the fire department and DPH were going through some changes, and they were implementing King County's 'Criteria Based Dispatch' System. Kind of like 'Choose your own adventure'. My task was to teach the new Dispatchers the CBD system. The problem was, many of the students were firegihters placed on light duty status. Do you think they wanted to be there? NO. Do you think that they made my day wonderful? NO.

I think that I effectively blocked out most of the torturous moments and tell everyone that it was one of the best jobs I ever had. I am probably just trying to convince myself. The first thing that pops into my mind when I think about my days as a CBD instructor is the day that I had grown tired of talking to a wall of blank stares. It just so happened to be 'How to identify the death rattle over the phone' day. (Not really, but that was the topic I decided to drill into their heads that day.) You see, my so-instructor and I had a plethora of actual calls on tape at our disposal. I ran through my lecture as normal, had them follow along in the CBD 'flip charts' as if they were taking the call, and then I let them have it. I decided to see how long it took for them to realize that I was playing the same tape , over and over again, on brainwash rotation. If you haven't heard 'the death rattle', it is pretty un-nerving. It is the last gurgle the body makes after the heart has stopped functioning, and the body has ceased to be. Morbid. I know. So anyway,I started playing this tape every time I stopped talking. I played the tape as background noise during the breaks, and I even played it while my co-instructor was lecturing. This went on for the remainder of the class. (Read, 3 hours). Class was dismissed and one of the students went home looking a little green around the gills. I stopped him and asked him if he was OK.

• ME: You look a little green. You feel alright?
• Him: Uh, I will be, after a stiff drink.
• ME: You're telling me. I feel like that every day.
• Him: Can I ask you something?
• Me: Sure!
• Him: Can we please move on to another call tomorrow? If I hear the death rattle one more time, the rest of the class will hear mine, as I hit the floor.
• Me:*Trying not to laugh* Huh, I didn't think anyone paid attention.
• Him: That was pure evil. They don't call you 'The Corporal' for no reason.
• Me:WHO told you that?
• Him: Uh...will I pass the class if I don't tell you?
• Me: Yes. I think I already know. I promise, no more death rattle. I'll beat you to it if students don't start to participate. Shit. I'll settle for reaction. I feel like I am standing in front of a bunch of banana slugs. I know half of you don't want to be here, but really. Makes one want to just wig out in the middle of lecture to see if anyone is alive.
• Him: Well...to tell you the truth, we were uh...thinking of other things while you lecture...
• Me: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
• Him:*blushing wildly* If we start asking questions and participating, you won't play the death rattle anymore?
• Me: It's a deal.
• Him: Promise?
• Me: What are you? Designated negotiator? I promise. Cross my heart, hope I don't die, shove a red hot poker through my eye. Good enough for you?
• Him: Sure. GOD, I hope I NEVER hear the death rattle again. I'll puke on the spot. Even though you are evil incarnate, wanna join us for that drink?
• Me: 1st round's on me.

The next class was incredible. From that day forward, teaching was a breeze. I should have thought of subliminal torture earlier.

Not all classes got off to a bad start. I also taught First Aid and CPR, as well as Basic Trauma Life Support Assessment.

With the First Aid and CPR classes, those were straight forward classes, follow the curriculum, make sure everyone gets it, and all is good. EXCEPT when you must teach 30 Girl Scouts at once. They were the easiest students to teach, and they came up with a TON of questions.

• What if their breath stinks?
• What if they are too big for you to move?
• What if you aren't strong enough, should you sit on their chest to push?
• What if you throuw up, or pass out?
• What if they are big crybabies and don't want you to touch their cuts?
• What if they don't speak english?

And my personal favorite:

• What if it is someone you don't like? Can you apply pressure harder and pretend that you HAVE to sqeeze it tight?

The Basic Trauma Life Support Assessment classes were by far the most fun to teach, where else can you act like a crazed person, play with makeup, false guts, blood & gore, all while strapping down people (firefighters, paramedics, doctors, RNs and EMTs) to backboards? It really deserves a whole post of its own. I have a ton of pictures and stories, so I will leave you with ...

The tip of the day:

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.

-Albert Einstein

Reasons why I would be terrible administering shots in ANY capacity.

A recent post on a board I frequent reminded me of a couple of reasons 'Why Ragdoll would totally suck as a shot giver if her job required it.'

It started out innocently enough. The question "Why do shots hurt?" was raised. The EMT in my brain jumped out of her chair and practically shouted "I know! I know some reasons why!"

To sum up, a few variables are the acidity of the solution, how 'deep' the injection is administered, the speed of injection, and the experience of the injector.

Now, this is where I would totally suck as an injector.

1. I get squeamish around needles. I know, I know. I have no issues with tattoo needles. Why? I don't know. Vaccinations? Blood Draws? Oh, I can feel the queasiness and dizzyness already. The room is spinning. It's getting dark! If karma really got mad at me one day, I would become an insulin dependent diabetic. I could not even stick my thumb for a science experiment in college without being a drama queen. (For being such a wuss, I was rewarded with the super hot assistant teacher drawing my blood, and I garnered a date with 'cutest boy in class' after he intercepted a note I was scribbling to my lab partner/best friend.
2. I am known to run with scissors. Are we SURE that we want me handling sharp pointy objects? Family members are trembling with fear because I have plans to take up archery again. Can you imagine me with a needle? After getting past the squeamish aspect, you can be sure I would get juvenile, and start looking for things to stab at. Ask any of my victims *ahem* VOLUNTEERS as I was learning the art of needle stick. Oranges and grapefruits were so unfulfilling. Watermelons didn't do it either. Which leads me to next reason.
3. The ONLY live injection I did, was unsuccessful to say the least. On of my best friends decided that she would not wait inline for her injection.The line was out the door, and she had an early shift in the AM. After all, she could get someone at work to do it. So she left with her injection and headed home. (YAY. Lucky me, stopped in after my shift and got recruited.) Let me get the fact that this was a birth control injection out of the way. In my opinion, something best left to the proffessionals. No way did I want to be blamed in case of failure! When all was said and done, I administered the injection. (After whining and attemting to weasel my way out of it.) I believe my parting words were "Don't blame me if something goes wrong!" Of course, I was thinking along the lines of air embolus, infection, etc. Little did I know that the SOMETHING was going to be conception. You could call me the 3rd contributor to the creation. I consider him my first 'child'. LOL! I figured as an EMT I would be assisting in a birth (possibly), NOT assisting in the conception (in a round about way).
4. Last but not least...When bored, I tend to invent instruments of torture with sharp objects. Access to needles not a good idea. I once invented a nifty little device I fondly called 'The Whapper". Its key ingredients were a plastic flyswatter, a crapload of upholstry tacks, thin craft 'foam' and duct tape. I tested it on a watermelon. Let me just say MASSIVE INJURY if I could only find a human guinea-pig. Alas, I could not, and the whapper met it's demise the day I needed the tacks for another project.

: "The Twelve Days of EMS Supervising-Sung to the tune of '12 Days of Christmas'

I would like to share a little song Tina and I 'wrote' during a particulary hairy WEEK at work. We ended up hanging a printed copy on our bulletin board. The job of a Supervisor is underappreciated, and definately not envied at times.

The Twelve Days of Supervising

On the 1st day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

A note that said better you than me!

(Now this 'note' was more like a list of grievances that ended with "I am glad YOU guy's are the one to deal with this mess, and not me."

On the 2nd day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

Two damaged rooftops

For some reason, NOT ONE PERSON knew how the giant dents, scratches and a HOLE suddenly appeared on the top of two rigs. Now, either the EMT's were really oblivious, or the sound was drowned out by a mobile disco inside the ambulance. If the lightbar were mounted above the roofline, I am sure they would have disappeared.

On the 3rd day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

Three missing Dispatchers

2 dispatchers went AWOL, and a new hire just never bothered to show up for her second day of work. We must have scared her off...

On the 4th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

Four weeks of Jury Duty

Poor Bryan, the Wheelchair Division Supervisor was sentance to Jury Duty. By the time Hell week had arrived, he was well into Week 4 of the most boring trial ever. A he said, she said landlord vs tennant dispute.

On the 5th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

FIVE missing backboards! (remember to 'string' this one out)

Backboards are not cheap! And without them, how are you supposed to immobilize someone? I guess it was too much to ask that the EMT's follow protocol and RETRIEVE their equipment BEFORE leaving the ER. And in the case that this was not practical, a simple phone call to dispatch would have sufficed. I took this opportunity to leave the office in search of the missing equipment.

On the 6th day Supervising, my employees gave to me...

6 employees griping

There was so much whine going around the office about trivial crap, I felt like serving up a giant cheese log to go along with it.

On the 7th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

Seven Rigs to service

Oh, the joys of having half of your fleet due for service at once. Add a recall to the mix, and hilarity ensues.

On the 8th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

8 unstaffed stand-bys

With football season well underway, we scrambled for coverage. We were not above bribes of days off, Overtime, free tickets to the 49er game and first choice of scheduling for the next month. When all else fails, send the Owners of the Company to one event, and staff the other one yourselves.

On the 9th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

9 Absent Incidences... SEE YA!

It was company policy to fire anyone who had 9 unexcused/unacceptable absences. DUring this week of particulary low staffing we got to fire 2. JOY.

On the 10th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

10 late Wheelchair Transports

When one wheelchair transport is late, sure as shit, everyone else on that route will be late as well.

On the 11th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me...

11 County Turnovers

As I mentioned in previous EMS posts, sometimes the County Provider would be overwhelmed, and a general call out for available private ambulances would go out. I believe that we hit our record of grabbing 11 of such calls in one shift. It must have been a full moon. There were Multiple Car Accidents, an accident involving a schoolbus, and a commuter train VS a Soda Company truck stalled on the tracks. (I'll have to remember to post more about that one later. It is a WHOLE story by itself.)

On the 12th day of Supervising, my employees gave to me..

12 more months to do it all again!

OK, so some liberties were taken with this, but it made Tina and I feel better

See FAQ's" about The Corporal for more EMS shenanigans